Flat notes - Flat hopes 🎼
Ever since I can remember I would tilt my head when I was taken with something (yes like a doggo), but that was a sign I was really listening to something, that I was really engaged. And hats off to whoever or whatever was engaging me, because I have the attention span of a magpie. You know - the black magestic bird with a red marking (yes like a black widow) What can I say? Powerful woman are my spirit animals. Fierce but still girlie cause like magpies, I love love love and get distracted by shiny things.
For me, my shiny thing is a diamond in the rough. I’m sorry not sorry, for all the metaphors here. anyways my diamond is music. I love everything about it. The kind of rustic, artistic weave of melody and scratchy, sexy, sound that comes from a guitar. The way the singer with his charisma and dynamic woven duo of melody and lyrics, seems to represent every musician that’s ever lived. No matter what style, what sound. Music brings people together, gets people talking, feeling.
When I was a younger tyke in high school, some people wanted to be a dentist or a doctor or an astronaut. When someone asked me? I wanted to be someone who invoked emotion and vulnerability. Yea, most people stared at me - imagine a younger teen saying all that ! Like pick a career or something right? Eventually I came to the theory that a musician did that. So however I knew how, I would do that. I dated,I studied cooking, but it always came back to music. I couldn’t shake music. Music tagged along with me and I fell in love. As my title suggests, I am a romantic. Music allowed me to express all of that sappy romantic blazing sunset of emotion; that passion. So that was my path I mean, it had to be.
Remember when I talked about my attention span? Well there’s something called executive disfunction. Those with ADHD struggle a lot with it. We struggle to complete tasks. Sometimes we get sh*t done and we slay the day. Other times, we struggle to do anything without getting stuck. This is a huge issue for me. Couple that with Ocd’s avoidance behaviors, depression.. yea you can guess what my life was like for awhile; a dry wasteland with not many friends and not much fun in my life. Music, poetry writing in the back of my car, on a bus, at home on the couch, was there for me though. But.. I wasn’t there for music . I’m not at all suggesting my illnesses are the reason for my dissing practicing and ignoring expansion.There is a huge stigma, that people are “lazy” when what they have is ADHD. They are not at all. I don’t want people to think that.
When I think about it in my case though, I can be extremely unmotivated. Maybe.. I am not cut out to be Kelly Klarkson or James Arthur. DoI have talent? Yes. But they say you accomplish a goal with 99 percent perspiration and 1 percent inspiration. Yea I have the inspiration sometimes, but the hard work? I always tell myself “you can get by without that” “anything you do isn‘t good enough you have to get good before you do it.“ I can be hard on myself. But .. I don’t work hard.
Artists work so hard because in art, it is extremely dissed and difficult for people to have a stable career in music. So they work tirelessly to prove they can do it for themselves. To prove people wrong and pursue their dreams. Am I concluding that my craft is the same as their blood sweat and tears? If I can bullshit a few songs or stream some lyrics together is that the same as breaking your hand over one song for months? No. No it’s not. In fact It’s an insult to all artists. Maybe I’m losing my old wishes for my art. Maybe I don’t care anymore about waking up people’s hearts and minds. Maybe I got lost on the wood pedestal in the lights in front of a few friends. Music found me and I left my best friend